I have learned that lately I have been holding on to my dreams and desires; to the point where it is unhealthy. I want a baby SO bad that I can't deal with the months I can't get pregnant. Because I want a baby SO bad I am scared to even pregnant again with the huge fear of losing again. The fear is crippling me. It is what keeps me up at night. It is what gives me anxiety throughout the day. The unknown. The fear. It is holding me in captivity.
I will admit the journey to conceive is different for each person. For some, it will be a joyous experience and memory as she can conceive right away without any trouble. However for some it is a difficult and challenging experience as she cannot conceive right away as the months and years pass. Each month becomes more emotional and fearful of her heart's desire not coming to pass. It is the fear of the unknown. For some women, they will face infertility and seek fertility treatments or seek foster/adoption. None of these situations guarantee her child. For some women, they will go through one or multiple miscarriages. Each day they live in fear and anxiety not knowing what will happen when all she wants is to keep this baby.
Being on this journey for 2 years as taught me so much. It has taught me that God is the one in the control. He creates the miracle of life. And creating a baby is a lot harder then most of us think. Most of us experience the heartache of trying to conceive. Most of all, it has taught me tonight to let go. To let go to all the fears I have in going through another loss. A miscarriage at any stage is traumatic. And you never really get over any of them. God does create life right at conception. So I strongly believe that that child was created for a greater purpose sometimes that we will never understand. They are called home early for special callings in heaven. And how blessed are we to someday meet them.
To all those who have experienced one or multiple miscarriages, NEVER give up. My mother lived through numerous miscarriages and one baby that died minutes after-if she gave up-I would not be here today. God can do miracles. He can. And He will. We just have to keep waiting and putting our life in God's hands, because He is in control- we are NOT.